I'm writing this because I want to share a very surreal and confusing episode in my life. Some names and details have been changed in order to protect those involved.
Let me start off by giving a little background on Nazism and LGBTs:
Between 1933 and 1945, an estimated 100,000 men were arrested as homosexuals, of whom some 50,000 were officially sentenced. Most of these men served time in regular prisons, and an estimated 5,000 to 15,000 of those sentenced were incarcerated in Nazi concentration camps. It is unclear how many of the 5,000 to 15,000 eventually perished in the camps.
In the camps they were treated with unusual cruelty. They were given no quarter. Even other inmates showed no sympathy. Being beaten to death by other inmates was just as common as being beaten to death by the guards.
But the actual Nazi policy on homosexuality was ambiguous at best. Ernst Röhm, one of the founding members of the Nazi party, was homosexual. He co-founded the paramilitary group the Sturmabteilung (SA) and rumors circulated around that gay sex was not uncommon in the SA. Authors Scott Lively and Kevin Abrams contend in their book, The Pink Swastika, that only effeminate homosexuals were targeted and masculine homosexuals were generally left alone. Let it be said that I do not agree with Lively and Abrams and I think The Pink Swastika lacks any merit and is nothing more than pseudo-history.
Now that's done, it's time to start...
It started with a message on a dating site by a guy named Robert. Robert was late 40's, skinhead, and a harley rider. I would call him a "quasi Nazi." His beliefs didn't amount to a true National Socialist (NS) but he had huge sympathies for the Nazi cause.
After talking for a couple weeks, he asked me if I wanted to join an invite only group that was specifically for homosexual National Socialists. I've never subscribed to any NS views, Most of my views are completely contrary to NS views to be honest. For example: I'm a big Zionist. But I was 20 and like a normal 20 year old, I wanted to explore and experience all I can. I said yes.
Like I was saying, it's invite only so it's a sacred nest. It was most definitely a surreal experience. Within a few days of joining, I got a message from a gentleman by the name of Isaac.
Isaac was in his early 50's, born in London, and a leather maniac. But unlike Robert, Isaac was a full blown NS.
In our first conversation we talked for over three hours. I honestly don't know why, or how, we connected so much. This was the pivotal moment.
I could tell right away that he was completely infatuated with me, and I was starting to feel the same way about him. He treated me with such respect. My ex's never really respected me so that was a new feeling. He gave me an almost fatherly love. He always let it be known that he was there for me, and no one else.
He would use terms like, "I fancy you like a madman," and that just made me smile instantly. His tone was endearing, he was a complete gentleman.
I remember one conversation, he told me he'd kill for me..... And.... I was so flattered. Knowing him as well as I did, he meant it. He would not have hesitated to kill. That made me love him so much and hate him so much.
I know a lot of people will think, "Oh he was just saying what you wanted to hear." Just.... No. There were several instances (Not going to say specifics) where he demonstrated that his love was genuine.
But then there are the things I really don't like talking about. And by that I mean some of the things that we talked about. We never physically did anything. If I ever thought someone was in danger, I would have called authorities ASAP. I would rather die than hurt anyone. While he could be one of the nicest people to talk to, he could be, unsurprisingly, quite sadistic. He had a particularly strong hatred for "fags." Even though that hatred is ubiquitous in that subculture, his hatred was immense. (Just for clarity, in the gay NS culture "fag" means any effeminate, twink-like, and weak gay male.)
You can't imagine the internal struggle that ensued in me. But there was one imagine I created in my head that really effected me. You know at the end of Titanic, the young Rose is walking up the staircase and all around her are the people that died. I just imagined walking into a camp and all the victims of Nazi anti-LGBT laws. How could I tell all their souls that I'm a gay man and I'm dating a Nazi? I'm just like anyone of them, yet I'm dating the by proxy perpetrator.
What else contributed to the end of our relationship? The constant hatred he had really started to affect me. But as soon as he'd hold me as I drift off to sleep, I fell in love, all over again. Was I drunk on love? Oh yeah. You know, I could try to blame it on the fact I didn't have a father and he filled that void I had since childhood but in the end, it was just because he loved me unconditionally and he showed that. No lover has shown that level of respect towards me nor has any lover before or since loved me as much as Isaac did.
