Ferrum™ Pt.6

It was a cold, quiet, and cloudless night. It was Soren's part of the night to stay up and keep watch.

Petr: "Soren, go to sleep. I watch now."

Soren: "No, you need to sleep. We have to grab any sleep we can."

Petr: "I try not sleep."

Soren: "Bad dreams?"

Petr: "...... Happy dream. Wake up, feel dream is real for moment, then you know, dream is dream. Open eyes, real life, very sad... Very sad. You want dream forever." He runs his finger tips over a vertical scar on his inner forearm.

Soren: "I dream too. Dream of.... Mistakes." He shrugs.

Petr: "Mistakes in every life, Soren."

Soren: "Some mistakes are just too big. I was, I am, a bad person." He stares off in the dark void as he slowly shakes his head.

Petr: "Bad man, no say he is bad. You say you bad, you are good then, yes?"

Soren: "I am no good man..."

Petr: "I know bad. I see very bad men that night... In Russia... Eyes... Eyes of bad men, nothing. No, no eyes. You eyes, pain and sad. Not same."

They both are silent for a moment, enrolled in their own respected thought.

Soren: "You are helping me, I'm bitching and you are helping me... I have no right and I never offered my help to you." He directs his eyes from the night, to Petr, then to the scars running up and down Petr's forearm. Petr retracts his arms to hide the scars in shame. Soren gently touches Petr's left arm, slowly pulls it back out, and sets a hand over part of the scar.

Soren: "Don't let them hold that over you. Be proud. I've seen you proud, don't keep that hided."

Petr's eyes seem to dart around. He quickly jerks his arm back.

Petr: "I awake. I watch. You sleep... Now..."

Soren: "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I- I..." He exhales and avoids all eye contact as he proceeds to lie down. His stomach turns painfully at the thought of how callous he thinks he just was.

For Petr, it wasn't the touch or the physical contact that provoked his sudden change in emotion, it was the conflicting feelings circling down his spine. The overflow of emotion manifests itself as full tears streaming down his face. He cries, silently.

The morning sun crested over the rolling hills. Anita was deep in deep in meditation, cleaning her TAR-21. Soren glanced at Petr, trying to find some way to make up for his seemingly callous insult several hours ago. Petr had a handful of polaroids that Soren hadn't seen before. Soren stole a look. He saw one of the pictures, it had two people, at the beach.

A larger, smiling, burly, mediterranean man had his arms over the shoulders of a smaller, younger, blonde young man. Soren barely recognize the younger one, was Petr. Petr had a smile that Soren had not seen before. The older man draped on Petr. He was mid forties, hairy, muscular, and had an aura that was so warm. So warm that it was translated through the picture. He seemed to be balding, but the hair he lacked on his closed shaved head, was supplemented by gleaning chest hair. Petr had the same shaggy blonder hair he had now. Petr had an innocent smile, a innocent that had long left him.

Petr noticed Soren looking. He flipped the picture over to display something written in Russian.

Petr: "It says, "Feodore, hear my voice, see my face, I wait forever as you come to me. Szeretlek(I love you).... -Arpad."

Arpad was the quintessential Hungarian. A large head with a pronounced nose. A dark layer of hair lined his muscular frame. The two contrasted each other, with Petr being a young adult, a swimmer's body, smooth. Arpad was the warm, loving, father type.

Petr: "We look happy, yes?"

Soren: "Yes."

Petr repositions himself next to Soren in order to share the pictures with him.

The next photo was of Petr and Arpad in a weight room. Petr was giving a double handed thumbs up with Arpad reaching under his arms, also giving a double thumbs up. The third was of Petr and Arpad lying on the grass. Petr was reclined into Arpad, with one had under Arpad's chin and the other behind his head. They were sharing a kiss, a kiss with passion that knew no boundaries. Petr flips over this photo to read what's written.

Petr: "Feodore, my love for you is like universe, endless and always expanding-" He struggles to read the last line through his emotions. "You never be alone again, Az en draga kisfiam (My precious little boy)... -Arpad"

Petr: "Lzhets (Liar)." He says it in a quiet, sad tone and not in an insulting tone.

Petr thinks for a moment.

Petr: "Soren, I lie. I no good to lie to man that is my friend. My dreams are dark. Only sometime happy. I was young, stupid 19 year old. I felt like sex, excited, I kissed... I kissed... Dream over and over of me in cell, sitting on cold ground. Arpad walk around me, face so bloody. He says, "You kill me, your fault I die, like you pull trigger of gun. You whore, you no stop with sex. No kiss, no die."

Soren: "You must know that's not true?"

Petr: "No kiss..... No die...."

They make there way to the fourth picture. It is another picture of a passionate kiss between Petr and Arpad. Petr read the text on the back.

Petr: "Feodore, I always remember this day. Never see such romance before. How you only 19? So young but most romantic I know. You have be one of oldest souls. Never stop you.... random moments of affection." Petr looks at Soren as if he'd just seen a ghost.

Soren: "That was no coincidence."

Ferrum™ Pt. 5

There it was. An oasis in a necrotic desert that is the Wisconsin countryside. A well off, well built farm house was planted right in front of us. It was early morning and so sunny. It was like the Gods finally saw us and gave us refuge.

Ares: "Are you ready to do a sweep of this house Aleks?"

Aleks: "It's be so fucking long since I've been in a house, yes I'm fuckin' ready!" I was smiling as I spoke.

It was a small two story house. Each floor was only about 1000 square feet. We entered the house, sidearms raised and aimed. The sweep was quick and intense. As soon as it was done though, it felt like a drug hitting you. The fact that we have a safe place to stay for a bit and that place was a house, we won the lottery.

We wasted no time going through everything that the former owner left behind. There was quite a lot still there so we figured the past owner left quickly or didn't believe he or she would be gone for long. We found prescriptions, books, board games, and even enough food and bottled water to last a couple days.

We reenforced the windows and doors. We gathered all of our supplies, including all the supplies that we found, in the 2nd floor master bedroom.

Ares was finally able to shave, including his head. We both got ourselves cleaned up and took our deserved places on the queen bed. We decided to just spend the rest of the day relaxing. I mean, we earned a day off.

We settled on playing texas holdem with a deck of cards we found.

Ares was only wearing a cut sleeved zip up sweatshirt, which he wore well on account that he was so muscular, and a pair of light blue jeans. I had a t-shirt on and a lamb fur vest.

Aleks: "Lets have this day be our day away." I smiled.

Ares: "That sounds like an amazing idea little koutavi." He gave me a warm look.

Koutavi means puppy in greek and had been Ares' nickname for me. He would say it with such affection as to immediately calm me in any situation.

Aleks: "This reminds me of when Soren and I would have "at home date night," if he was home. I guess Soren and I didn't have the healthiest of relationships." I laughed a sad laugh.

Ares: "You don't have to go there now."

Aleks: "No, no. I'm fine with that part of my life. Actually I'm grateful for it. Soren and I have a real love/hate relationship thing going on. I love him as one would love a close pet." I smiled as I said it, because it was true. "I never doubt his love for me, I never did. But with as much love there is, it's matched by hate. If he said he'd be home at 9pm, I learned to expect him home at 9am. Odds were that he'd be hungover and "drained" from barebacking a prostitute over the night. I'd have a romantic evening planned, he would know about what I'd planned, but still fall for one of his regulars. I don't think he ever forgave himself. Look at me, I say I want to relax for a day but I can't get away from shit filled thoughts."

Ares: "It's okay koutavi!" He smiled a wide smile. "You express your heart and that is so good for your mind, body, and soul."

Aleks: "I remember when Soren got me a pair of CZ Scorpions and they had custom grips. They said, "What a pair you and me are." in czech." My eyes start to get watery as I smile with the thought.

Ares: "You always end on the positive." He slides next to me and brings his heavily muscled and tattooed arm around my neck and pulls me into gently into him. My head rests up against the demigod's defined pec. We both fall back onto our backs, his arm still around me.

Aleks: "Ares, being so close to you reminds me how alone-"

Ares: "You are NOT alone koutavi. I won't leave you, I promise here and now that I'll protect you at whatever the cost."

Aleks: "You can't promise that. If you promise, this hostile life will turn you into a liar."

Ares: "Life will have its way, but not with us. We will survive until we return to normal lives. Always remember that I will protect you."

Aleks: "You're, you're my cerberus and I'm your koutavi?" I smiled as I spoke.

Ares laughed hard. It was nice to hear a laugh.

Ares: "Exypno skyli."

The midday sun was shining through the window. I unzipped his sweatshirt and rubbed his normally shaved, but now stubbled chest. I felt the contours of his chest and stomach muscles. The pronounced and raised muscle of Ares' body began a forgotten reaction inside my body. My heart and gut became restless.

Ares rolled on his side to face me. He then hesitated.

Ares: "Is this OK, Aleks?" He would only call me by my first name when he was deep in focus.

Aleks: "Yes." I spoke softly and nodded.

His hand slipped off my already unzipped vest and felt its way under my shirt. When his hand hand contact with my bare skin, my heightened nervous system forced a shiver through my body.

Ares: "You good?"

Aleks: "I'm perfect. It's been so long though that I wish I had bowled a practice frame before jumping into the game." We both gave a chuckle.

I hopped up for a moment to slip off my vest and undershirt. Ares took the time to remove his jacket. I lie back on my side still facing my hulking cerberus. I bring my hand to grasp the back of his freshly shaved head and pulled our foreheads to touching. I looked into his eyes and they looked back. The reviled such intense purpose. We were removed from this hellish world, existing only in our own hormone created euphoria.

Nicotine gum for Self-medicating. *Important Safety Information*

**Before I start, nicotine use for a self medicating reason is, in my opinion, 100% contraindicated for:
*Women who are pregnant or breast feeding
*Anyone who is addicted to cigarettes
*Anyone who has quit cigarettes
*Those with heart conditions
*Anyone on any catecholamine agonists and/or enhancers
*Anyone on catecholamine antagonists
*Anyone on MAOIs
*Anyone with cytochrome P450 deficiency
*Anyone with Human Coronary Artery Disease
*Anyone already using a nicotine agent, including cigarettes
*Anyone with cancer with special concern for cholinergic and adrenergic related cancers.**

I started using nicotine gum for pain. Though I can't prove a causal relationship, this is what I found:

I am nicotine naive so take that into consideration as well. I would chew 4mg to 8mg of nicotine gum no more than 8mg per every 4 hours. I would not use it for an extended time back to back to prevent tolerance. I am also on 350mg of Wellbutran ER. I found that for mild to moderate pain, nicotine produced analgesia within 5 minutes. For mild and moderate pain, the analgesic effect was found to be superior to morphine. I also found lasting stimulant affects as well as a *very potent anorexic affect.

It is worth noting that a 4mg gum will cause a stimulant effect for around 10 minutes before turning to a depressant effect. 8mg will start off in the depressant phase.

Again, I can't prove a causal relationship, but since I started nicotine my pain has dropped to the lowest levels in 4 years.

*Side effects for a nicotine naive person include, but not limited to: Anorexia, nausea, pallor, sweating, excess saliva, racing heart rate with or without panic, stomach pain, tremor, and headache.

**The side effects that need the closest monitoring and are of greatest concern are:
*Moderate to severe ataxia
*Lose of balance
*A mental state similar to benzodiazepine intoxication
*Mild to moderate confusion
*Light headedness
*Increase or decrease in respiration with or without air hunger
*Tachycardia
*Microvascular injury
*Muscle fasciculations
*Bradycardia
*Seizure
*Hypertension.**

*Please note that I am in no way a fully trained medical doctor. This test was only conducted on one person, me. Self medicate with nicotine at you're own risk.