Writing Therapy/Story Expression Therapy... Is that TM? If not... TM!

     In school we learn writing stories is a good way to get smart. That is true but it serves a much larger benefit. Writing fictional stories helps heal the mind and soul as well. It's along the same lines as art therapy which is well known.

     I can only use myself as an example. With my pain and medicine, it can be hard to find the will to leave the house, let alone spend time with friends or find a partner. When I write my horror/romance stories, it puts me into a state where I can express emotions, feelings, and even actions is a healthy and productive way.

     A person never out grows the need for comfort. When you're young, you get the need taken care of by parents/guardians. But when your older, you start to need that comfort that only a true lover can provide. Like I write version of myself with a perfect boyfriend. Being in duress daily, I get a sense of comfort when I write about fictional me being with fictional partner. Now does it make any sense?

     It may make no sense but the overall idea: Pain creates so many horrible emotions and feelings. They can be dangerous too. Let those emotions and feelings flow out of you through writing. For emotions and feelings that are stuck, write of a scene that you can imagine and release those emotions and feelings that way.

     This may very well sound kind of crazy but when you're in the pain induce duress, it helps and just try.  

Pain and Shame with the World's Oldest Profession

     Now it has almost been a year since well known homosexual adult actor, Arpad Miklos was found dead by self inflicted means. He was 45. He was born in Budapest, Hungary and was a chemical engineer before he moved to NYC and became an adult film actor. Now this is not a stand alone issue.

     You know, sex is great, sex is fun, I love sex, but when sex is your job, can you really separate the act from the emotions? USA and how-ever-many other countries are awesome because they allow the legal production and sale or porn. (I will only be focusing on the USA.) Because it is legal, I feel all adult film actors should have close access to TRAINED & HELPFUL psychotherapist and medication when needed. People do not like to talk about porn even though SO MANY of us use porn.

     Sex is such an intense act, not only on the body but also the mind. That being said, few studies (That I know of.) look into the affects of long term, non emotion producing, repeated sexual activities for profit. I'm sure that the negative affects are increased a lot when talking about LGBT adult film actors such as Mr. Miklos.

     In many ways, we the viewers, sucked the will to live out of the actors/actresses who end up committing suicide. I'm not calling for a ceasing in all porn viewing activities. I just want to say that being in the porn business, does slowly kill you. But that is just one of the dangers of being in the adult film business. The human well being of porn actors and actresses are basically non existence. Also the amount of abuse that they receive is outstanding, but that is another story.

Trauma and How Nothing Will Ever be "Quite" The Same

     No this is one thing that I think is hurtful and never address because one doesn't want to seem like the bad guy. Well, as you know, I don't really care, so let me address it.

     I have chronic pain as you know, around 85+ surgeries since I was born, father issues, so I know hardship. I see these people on TV and the news who have had medical intervention and how they are just perfect, spotless, and sexy. These interventions are most often very minor in terms of what a lot of people have to go through. The host is always so teary eyed and says how beautiful this story is. Say like a gold medalist who has congenital absent feet.

     Sorry but my heart doesn't go out to said feetless swimmer. If it was a terminally ill 27 year old graduating college, then that is different.

     I am 18 and I still have two more years of high school that I missed due to my bane, pain. Also I was kept lucid after being paralyzed twice after two surgeries, two weeks apart so that they could keep an eye on my nerve function. That can only truly be done when the person is lucid. I was 8 at the time. I had a very painful infection in my lungs at the time and my back had just been opened and closed six times. I was given succinylcholine when they re-taped my intubation tube. At that time, I thought I was going to die and was ready. I was fucking 8 and I was calm and ready to die.

     Never see horror stories like that get a lot of media attention. Maybe it's too real for them.

     Also when they do talk to people who've had medical interventions, the people always say, "I can do anything a non disabled person can do" which isn't quite true. Not to undermine my own cause here but I only have back pain and I am unable to become the MD that I always wanted. I may not even be able to attend fuckin' college with this pain. Fucking idiots, rich dicks, and fucking rich idiot dicks can become doctors but I most like can't only due to a physical disability.

     I may sound like I am going against what I have said in the past, maybe cause I'm pissed or maybe because I'm not going into enough detail. I guess it's just that minor medical issues are treated with more of a "poor poor you" attitude than the real hardcore, life effecting medical issues by the media.

Asylum Seekers-More Anti-LGBT Russian Bullshit

     Now yes, I am the kind of person to go out for milk and come back with an asylum seeker. That's just me, I own my actions! If you are more gifted in terms of money then I am (Bought a pack of gum which maxed out my credit card XP), I would hope you would consider donating to help victims of this Putin controlled hell hole. I wont point out any one organization but there are many.

     Ok, Putin said a while back that he was doing this to protect the children which I can tell you came right from his ass, right in the middle of his ass. Studies show that 20% of LGBT youth will attempt suicide at least once. That number goes up to 40% when laws like this come into action. The number of homeless LGBT youth also rises.

     So the blood of 16 year old Sasha, who slit his wrist because he was gay, and all the actual cases of LGBT suicide in Russia is soaking your hands Mr. Putin.

The side of the coin that is always in the shadows.

     What's that other side of you like? If you could, how would you dress? What tattoos would you get? Who in the bar would you say "Hey" to? What job would you have? What kind of hair cut? How would you make love?

     Every human has the side of them selves that is who they would be if they could. Some people have embraced their natural side, like Tim Dax. Actually, one of the reasons I was drawn to Tim Dax was that he expresses himself in a way that is very close to how I would love to express myself. Though I try not to live vicariously through him! That's never healthy of course.

     Would you be happier if you expressed that side that you always secretly had? I of course can't answer that, only you can.

Fuck Russia's anti-LGBT Stance!

     Now yes I am an American but I am also bisexual, so I care about issues like this. I am not going to pretend I know what Russia is like but I do know there horrid treatment towards LGBT. This issue is not in western media anymore as far as I know. I just want to try and bring attention to this and to Please help asylum seekers. Please. I guess it's fine to do borderline homosexual acts and abuse new Russian army recruits (aka Dedovshchina) but not ok to do non torturous LGBT acts...

     I mean, poor Andrei Sychyov, ндре́й Серге́евич Сычёв. Had to have his legs, genitals and, a finger amputated. Among severe gangrene in his legs, he also had severe trauma to his genitals. That was considered all on the up & up at the time. 

     I'll stand up to Russia, I don't mind one bit ;-)

     Also, the anti-LGBT stance in Russia will be a subplot in my next story, We're a Family From Blood, Not of. The link to my writings:
http://chirostenotes123.deviantart.com/

      It should be uploaded when I start writing it! Haha.

You Are a Proud Human, let NO Fucker Take That Away!

     Being in chronic pain and on medicine for that last 4 years caused learned helplessness in me. Along with piss poor teachers and all the Dr. No Clue Fuckwads out there, I felt that any past hopes I had for adult me, were lost to the Universe. When those hopes are gone, you feel like they have been cut out without anesthesia. But they are still in you, waiting for the right time. They know that time too.

     Having been off opioids for 2 weeks, the first time in 4 years, caused past hopes and dreams to erupt from my core. I felt like I could become a Proud goddamn Human! That I was and still am a Proud Human. That goes for everyone, from regular Petr in the Czech Republic to Samantha in New York who has cancer.

     To love yourself, you must be Proud. Be Proud of what you have done, what you can do, what you can go through.

     You may think that others control your Pride, they don't and never will and just can't. It's all yours.

     Take your Pride and say "I am a Proud goddammit!" Teachers and doctors and fuckers and bitches and bastards can Never touch it. It is all yours.

     You can and will be whatever you dream of, because you are Proud!

Opioid Withdrawal with Chronic Pain & Chronic Pain between medicines.

*This is my opinion. I do NOT recommend anything that is dangerous. Any advice given is made ONLY for legal adults and persons who have free will. If you have mental illness, do not try anything that your doctor hasn't recommended. Thank you.

     I never have seen a place for someone going through opioid withdrawal but the person has chronic pain. That can happen when dropping down or getting off of one opioid and starting another.

     Here is my example, though I give it reluctantly. I was on Butrans at a dose of 20mcg/hr. Now I liked that it was only a partial agonist but as many know, it makes you feel tied down to the ground. Not grounded in a good way but bound to the ground. I went to 10mcg/hr to 0 back to 5mcg/hr to 0. I was on hydrocodone to help with withdrawal as clonidine can make me furious. Being on strong opioids for 4 years infects your mind, body, and soul.

     When I got to 5mcg and 0, well still on hydrocodone, I felt human again. It was amazing. But hydrocodone ran out and had to go 2 weeks with no opioids. First time in 4 years. The reason being that no drug store in the area had my new medicine, Exalgo. Now during those 2 weeks, I was sure I was going to die. I called the clinic many times and they said just wait. What they did was inhuman but you can't try and blame/control others.

     My advice is this: Make sure you have a amazing psychologist to talk with. I mean AMAZING. Nothing worse then a bad therapist. Also, clonidine helped with my pain. It is a very good non opioid analgesic. Mainly it helped me sleep through the night with out waking due to pain and helped my sleep onset. I also recommend cannabis, though take this advice with a few kilos of salt please! Cannabis is not good for withdrawals but after withdrawals and waiting for new meds, hell yes! Cannabis is VERY often illegal. I just have to say that. If it is illegal where you are, "don't try it."

     I will say that cannabis can calm you and just get you into bed before there is more pain or a breakdown.

     Now everyone knows what is right and not right for their own bodies. I am not a legal doctor. I only have a lifetime of being a patient.

     Any questions, please ask!